Cycles of Obsession

Life, don't talk to me about life.

idunteman@gmail.com — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:36:59 GMT

I spent most of my life yelling that I was different.
Only to be shushed and told I was just like everyone else.
I knew I was right.
If everyone thought the way I did, they would not do the things they do.
So when it turns out that my mind does not work like a normal persons. I was not all that surprised.
The worst thing for me. Is that people take my actions and see them as if they were doing it. If "I" was doing this it would be for "this" reason.
I sit here, a month off my meds. And people expect me to be a normal person. When in fact I am barely keeping it together. What they see as being an antisocial layabout. In reality is me trying desperately to keep calm.
I try to explain the limitations I have.
and trust me, I HATE THEM! I want nothing more than to be able to lower my head and just plow through life like I used to.
Sadly, I can not anymore.
But as I try to explain, people just get madder and madder.
And I try to explain and they yell, and yell, and yell.
Lighting a fire under my ass has never done anything but light me on fire.
I love being treated like there is nothing wrong with me. Expected to be able to preform what to a normal person would be common place.
But for me, now, is a impossibility.
So I fail once again.
I am hated, and despised and yelled at some more.
And I try to explain and I am told that I am the problem.
NO SHIT! I had not figured that out already. I do have a problem. It is not convenient, it has shattered my life, ruined my health.
Yet people expect me to be like them.
But I am not.
Just like I have always said I was not.
But I am shushed, and told that there is nothing wrong.

Happy Birthday Doctor. We barely knew you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you and you.

idunteman@gmail.com — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 18:01:56 GMT

I hate these things, but it is book related so I will do it.

idunteman@gmail.com — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:09:48 GMT

Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
Turn to page 56.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post that sentence along with these instructions on your LJ.
Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

"I trailed."

This is how I have alawys felt on this subject.

idunteman@gmail.com — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 09:49:03 GMT

Tell me I do not live a cyberpunk life part 2

idunteman@gmail.com — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:32:35 GMT

I had a character in a video game designed after me. I always thought that was really cool. He talked like me and reacted like me. I'm actually a much better shot. I managed to make it into the second in the installment of the game. --Geek
The level I am flattered, when a female fan on a fan site complained about the lack of romantic subplot with said character? --Cyberpunk

idunteman@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 09:23:35 GMT

I tend to look at the world through my Grandpa eyes. The older I get, the more I realize that I am him. He is a man well worth looking up to. It is of some amusement to me then, that I lean way to the left, and he to the right. But that is not correct if you look at it closer. The Right that he was part of has not existed for a very long time. I was taught that The Constitution of the United States of America was a document worth dieing for. That the words written there were special. Something the world had never seen. He once told me "You were luck to be born in this country. You have opportunities that no one else will have. You have freedoms that are a dream to so many." These words stick with a young boy, looking up at someone who fought in two wars when his country called.
My discontent with the government has been a long standing trait in me. It has been a long time since I have been proud to be an American. I love my country. I always will. But it is good, to again feel pride. I hope this trend continues. I want it to so very badly.
We finally have a Leader. Not just a president, but a man who can truly lead. I have for many years stated that this is exactly what was necessary to effect the changes that are needed. I have hope, for the first time in so many years. I am very glad my Grandpa got to see the election this year. He got the see the energy that has not been apparent since the days of JFK. The American spirit that has been missing for so long.
There is so much wrong that must be put right. Both in the physical world and the ephemeral world of the mind. Collectively the rot of greed has tainted us. As a people we have forgotten that we are all in this together. The goal is not "Cover me and mine and fuck the rest" it is "Do what is best for you and as many others as possible". The modern age has fractured us. Distanced us from who and what we really are. We are all brothers and sisters. We fight and bicker, but the peoples of the USA have never failed to close ranks and raise to the occasion when it was needed. Just as a family should. These next 4 years are going to be very rough on everyone. I ask that everyone please, set aside your differences. Agree to disagree if need be. You do not need to like or approve of what someone else does. But in this country, as long as no one is hurt by it. You should be proud that they can do it anyway. This is one of the things that makes us so great. Let us all remember the words "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness".
I find it almost a cosmic joke that words from a role playing game pop into my mind when I look to the future.
Hope
Sacrifice
Unity

Lets all join together and make this country, and this world. One worth leaving to the generations yet to come.

Watchmen, Then and now.

idunteman@gmail.com — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 01:20:32 GMT

If you do not know how the story ends, Stop reading now, because that is what I am about to touch on.

THEN-
I first read the watchmen when I was a freshman in high school. I love it, just about every part of it. I always knew heroes had to be flawed and human, it does not really work any other way. I thought Rorschach was the best of them. Justice at any cost. He had all the best lines. And then I got to the end of the story.
I was so angry at Rorschach, he had lost, and he was determined to rip it all down. A sort of "F you I'm taking my ball and going home", setup. If you loose, and by loosing the world is going to be made a better place, a Utopia. Who cares if it was biased on a lie? Is tricking the world into becoming a better place bad? Yes I know lots of people died, that is why the "Heroes" tried to stop it. But that Journal, with "The Truth" in it, was there just to destroy. It was not going to make anything better, just add to the suck that existed.
This anger stayed with me most of my life. It just did not seem right to me.
NOW-
I look at it all differently now. I have a better understanding of the world and how it really works. I do not hate Rorschach anymore. I pity him. All that hate, all that rage, and planning and figuring things out. He did not ruin anything. No one will believe that Journal. It will be the talk of crackpots and conspiracy nuts. It will come up again and again, and be refuted over and over again. It may even get published as a book. But only so people can cringe at how broken the man was. What sort of monster hid behind the mask.

Where before, it made me mad.
Now it makes me Laugh.
Thank you Comedian, I get the joke now.

idunteman@gmail.com — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 19:33:08 GMT

Anyone who makes a Feynman joke is cool in my book.

http://xkcd.com/397/

A answer.

idunteman@gmail.com — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 19:32:00 GMT

I was originally going to call this "The Answer.", but that would not be correct. There are to many truths for that to be so.

Do things.
Go out and find the things that make you happy.
Now do those.
Continue to experience new things.

and with out anyone seeing it.

idunteman@gmail.com — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:46:24 GMT

The world changed.

http://www.technologyreview.com/biomedicine/21466/

idunteman@gmail.com — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 18:38:19 GMT

http://tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece

Just read it.
It will make you cry.
It will make you angry.
There is no excuse for this.

idunteman@gmail.com — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:14:33 GMT

I closed this journal because I was sick of reading myself whine.
But I guess sometimes you need to just get stuff off your chest.
It turns out, here is where I do that.
My journal is ultimately selfish.
I need to vent, so I am going too.

I got yet another rejection notice today.
Did something in me fundamentally change last year?
I interview well, I know this fact.
Well it used to be a fact.

This is now 4 in a row.
And gods did I have to put in the foot work to even get those interviews.
It's like slamming my head into a wall.

Okay, done with whining.
Not like I can pull a "fuck this it is not working".
Which I guess would be my normal way of doing things.

Back to looking.

closing this down...

idunteman@gmail.com — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 16:38:26 GMT

I am ending this blog.
I have been thinking about doing it for a long time.
I might start another one. I am not really sure.
If you wish to be added to the new one, or just want to keep in touch.
Let me know.

idunteman@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 21:14:27 GMT

What is wrong with Wizards of the Coast.
Heh, okay John, Jess do not answer that.
I just got done watching the DragonLance animated move.
What a load of crap.
It looked like a POS 80's cartoon.
With shows like Claymore and Bleach out.
You would think that SOME American animators, other than the ones at Nic would get it.
Kudos on the voice talent, But I can tell that is where they spent all your money.
The rest is crap.
And that annoys the hell out of me.

New year....

idunteman@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 02:49:50 GMT

The new years post, oh joy.

I will make mine simple.

--Get Healthy.
--Get out more.
--Live life.

What a odd few days.

idunteman@gmail.com — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 04:08:41 GMT

It seems, that somewhere along the line, I forgot what my emotional reactions are really like. That is really not to surprising, as I have been trying very hard for the last 6 months to relax, not to stress, not to have strong emotional reactions. It has been important. Vitally so. I have this thing about living, I rather like it.
Catching up with old friends has sort of broken the dam that I kept all my feeling behind. As Darleen and I were talking this weekend, I was almost overwhelmed. For a short time I was back in Middletown. Looking down into her brown eyes. Kissing her ever so soft lips. And with that came the rush. Like a wave it washed over me. All those old feelings. The heady days of being 16 and invincible. Of loving with every bit of my being. Of putting everything I had into everything I did. She inspired me. Drove me to heights I can only gasp in awe at now. How could I have forgotten how much I loved this? How could I have forgotten how good love felt?
I think, sadly, that I abuse myself. Leftovers from a lifetime of self hatred. When things go wrong, I actively deny myself things that will make me happy. Like I do not deserve to be happy. I sabotage relationships. Try to make the rest of the world hate me the way I hated me. What is even worse, is that I do not hate myself anymore. Granted that has not lost its new car smell yet.
I have come so far. It is almost crushing to see how far I have to go.
Believe it or not, all of this is positive. Darleen has yet again made had a great impact on my life. She has reminded me of what I have been missing. How much I truly love to interact with people. How much joy I take out of life. She also reminded me that I am not someone people forget. That I impact peoples lives as well. Okay so I have a small bit of ego about that. Sue me. I thanked Darleen for all she has done. I know she has no idea what I mean, and I dare not explain it, because I know I would fuck it up and she would freak out. She has a bit of a issue with letting people get close to her. What I want from her now is not what I wanted from her then. It touches me someplace deep inside that she hunted me down. That she takes the time to talk. She even started worrying about me right away. Wanting to make sure that I was doing what needed to be done to get healthy.
This brought something else to light. I am not afraid to let people care for me anymore. Silly fear yes, but it has been there for a while. I want people to care for me, and I want to care for them. I like how that feels.
She said something truly brilliant in her journal last night. That it takes maturity and self awareness to separate personality disorders from the healthy personality. And that until that is done. No real changes can be made.
I can see now how dramatically my ADD has affected my life. How it cost my my shot at college. How it cost me my relationship with my father. There is some solace to be found in the fact that I now know it was not something I could control. It still sucks to know I got yelled at for years over a medical condition. And now, all these years later, I have those answer my father used to demand out of me.
I can see how my depression has ruled me. Helped destroy my marriage. I say helped because I am only responsible for half of what went wrong. But depression sure did not help at all.
It only took me 34 years to figure myself out. Again sue me, I'm complicated.
And with all of this going on in my head at the same time. I'm giddy with the thought of what is coming in the future. I can see what is wrong, and now I can work to fix it. There is some fear that all the meds I will end up on will change who I am. I have seen anti ADD meds kill personalities before. Anti depressants kill passion. But I will not let fear rule me anymore. I am getting ready to do things I swore I would never do.
But those oaths were made by a much younger man who did not understand. I will do other things I thought I would never do. Forgive people who I should to forgive. Negative emotions get me nowhere.
New year. New me.
Maybe, just maybe, I can start living my life again. Rather than fighting with all my might, to stay right where I am.

What a odd few days. Even for me.

What Do You Have To Say? - Warning:

idunteman@gmail.com — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 09:18:24 GMT

If you came with a warning label, what would it say?

View 501 Answers

Contents under pressure.

idunteman@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 23:29:11 GMT

In the last day, I have used myspace more than I ever have.
Not that I am going to become a myspace junky or anything.
I got over that sorta thing a long time ago.
But I have managed to catch up with a ex-girlfriend and someone I wish had been a girlfriend.
No not in that hey you wanna hook up sorta way.
Did that once, thank you very much, was not the best idea. But was lots of fun at the time.
But anyway. It answered questions I have had with me for many years.
I always wondered what happened to Darleen. How life had treated her.
How Chyanna had gotten on, Poor girl who fell for me when I was head over heals for someone else.
I even now know that most of the people who made RI special for me are still there.
Now that is a kicker.
I guess I am so used to moving that I think it is the norm.
All in all it has been a great day.

Quote from Sword of Doom and a long overdue introduction

idunteman@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 22:45:05 GMT

"The sword is the soul. Study the Soul to know the sword. Evil mind, evil sword."

Hey John, if you have not worked this into House of the Blooded yet, you should. Swords being the only weapon and all. It seems to fit thematically. It even feels like something you would say.

To anyone who does not know what I am talking about, check out wickedthought
One of the most brilliant writers I have ever met. And someone I am lucky enough to call a friend.
Think I am laying it on heavy, well, I have not managed to introduce him until now, and he deserves ever good word I write. Watch out, he will make you think.
He is also in a three way tie for the best storyteller/game master that I have ever played with.
Just remember, if he is smiling, you have already lost.

Sometimes it is funny....

idunteman@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 08:32:47 GMT

How little it takes to make a bad day good.
I love hearing from people from my past.
So many good memories.
Sometimes when I get in funk I can not see how wonderful my life has been.
and how lucky I really am.

Just always have to remember to take that with me. There is so much more to do. To see, people to meet and know.
Tonight, I am very happy.
I like that.

idunteman@gmail.com — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 15:15:08 GMT

No one knows what will make them happy.
They think they do, but really they do not.
Most of the time when someone gets what they thought they wanted.
It is nothing like what they expected.
Expectation make everything worse.
And in the end, we are blinded by them.

I see these patterns over and over again.
And I wish I could make people see what it is they do.
And how blind they are to what is really going on.

But part of this is selfish, because I wish someone would see what is offered.
Rather than the target they are focused on.
Because they will never see.
What might, just might, really make them happy.

Fun with reading.

idunteman@gmail.com — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 02:07:45 GMT

I hit a lot of websites everyday.
It seems,
funnily enough,
that my biggest addiction is information.
Being a military brat, I always hit stars and stripes.
Gems like this are the reason why.
http://stripes.com/article.asp?section=104&article=50666
And people wonder why I have a strange view on the world.

It is a sad day.

idunteman@gmail.com — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 22:41:33 GMT

Today my very first childhood hero died.
He was my idol when I was 4.

Enjoy your long dark tea time of the soul.

Fare thee well Evel Knievel.

I thought he was the coolest ever when I was a child

idunteman@gmail.com — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 06:22:36 GMT

Your Score: Chris Knight

174 Heart, 155 Genius, 155 Cool, 151 Excitability

Chris Knight - (Val Kilmer)

Real Genius (1985)

You are Chris Knight. You're brilliant, but you know that if you don't think about anything but work, you'll get burnt out. No danger of that for you. You're loyal to your friends, you love the ladies, and most of all the ladies love you.

"Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?"

Other scientific possibilities:

Gary Wallace

Wyatt Donnelly

Peter Venkman

Jordan Cochran

Egon Spengler

Doc Brown

Newton Crosby

Paul Stephens

Ben Crandall

Wayne Szalinkski

Winston Zeddemore

Ben Jabituya

Lazlo Hollyfeld

Ray Stantz

Buckaroo Banzai

Chris Knight

Link: The Which 80s Movie Scientist Test written by xxyl on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

this is how every girl should be treated

idunteman@gmail.com — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 19:11:59 GMT

To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because thats how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her. ....
To every guy that she cried in front of...
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.....
To every guy that would give his seat up...
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...

My friend guarantees 90% of the men on my page will not repost this cuz they care more about their image

If you are a nice guy repost this with:
this is how every girl should be treated

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way
repost this with: "To Every Guy"

Image is Illusion