| What a odd few days. |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|10:21 pm] |
It seems, that somewhere along the line, I forgot what my emotional reactions are really like. That is really not to surprising, as I have been trying very hard for the last 6 months to relax, not to stress, not to have strong emotional reactions. It has been important. Vitally so. I have this thing about living, I rather like it.
Catching up with old friends has sort of broken the dam that I kept all my feeling behind. As Darleen and I were talking this weekend, I was almost overwhelmed. For a short time I was back in Middletown. Looking down into her brown eyes. Kissing her ever so soft lips. And with that came the rush. Like a wave it washed over me. All those old feelings. The heady days of being 16 and invincible. Of loving with every bit of my being. Of putting everything I had into everything I did. She inspired me. Drove me to heights I can only gasp in awe at now. How could I have forgotten how much I loved this? How could I have forgotten how good love felt?
I think, sadly, that I abuse myself. Leftovers from a lifetime of self hatred. When things go wrong, I actively deny myself things that will make me happy. Like I do not deserve to be happy. I sabotage relationships. Try to make the rest of the world hate me the way I hated me. What is even worse, is that I do not hate myself anymore. Granted that has not lost its new car smell yet.
I have come so far. It is almost crushing to see how far I have to go.
Believe it or not, all of this is positive. Darleen has yet again made had a great impact on my life. She has reminded me of what I have been missing. How much I truly love to interact with people. How much joy I take out of life. She also reminded me that I am not someone people forget. That I impact peoples lives as well. Okay so I have a small bit of ego about that. Sue me. I thanked Darleen for all she has done. I know she has no idea what I mean, and I dare not explain it, because I know I would fuck it up and she would freak out. She has a bit of a issue with letting people get close to her. What I want from her now is not what I wanted from her then. It touches me someplace deep inside that she hunted me down. That she takes the time to talk. She even started worrying about me right away. Wanting to make sure that I was doing what needed to be done to get healthy.
This brought something else to light. I am not afraid to let people care for me anymore. Silly fear yes, but it has been there for a while. I want people to care for me, and I want to care for them. I like how that feels.
She said something truly brilliant in her journal last night. That it takes maturity and self awareness to separate personality disorders from the healthy personality. And that until that is done. No real changes can be made.
I can see now how dramatically my ADD has affected my life. How it cost my my shot at college. How it cost me my relationship with my father. There is some solace to be found in the fact that I now know it was not something I could control. It still sucks to know I got yelled at for years over a medical condition. And now, all these years later, I have those answer my father used to demand out of me.
I can see how my depression has ruled me. Helped destroy my marriage. I say helped because I am only responsible for half of what went wrong. But depression sure did not help at all.
It only took me 34 years to figure myself out. Again sue me, I'm complicated.
And with all of this going on in my head at the same time. I'm giddy with the thought of what is coming in the future. I can see what is wrong, and now I can work to fix it. There is some fear that all the meds I will end up on will change who I am. I have seen anti ADD meds kill personalities before. Anti depressants kill passion. But I will not let fear rule me anymore. I am getting ready to do things I swore I would never do.
But those oaths were made by a much younger man who did not understand. I will do other things I thought I would never do. Forgive people who I should to forgive. Negative emotions get me nowhere.
New year. New me.
Maybe, just maybe, I can start living my life again. Rather than fighting with all my might, to stay right where I am.
What a odd few days. Even for me. |
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