| I hate these things, but it is book related so I will do it. |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|09:08 pm] |
Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
Turn to page 56.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post that sentence along with these instructions on your LJ.
Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.
"I trailed." |
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| Tell me I do not live a cyberpunk life part 2 |
[Nov. 7th, 2008|04:27 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Muse -Exo-politics | ] |
I had a character in a video game designed after me. I always thought that was really cool. He talked like me and reacted like me. I'm actually a much better shot. I managed to make it into the second in the installment of the game. --Geek
The level I am flattered, when a female fan on a fan site complained about the lack of romantic subplot with said character? --Cyberpunk |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|03:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
I tend to look at the world through my Grandpa eyes. The older I get, the more I realize that I am him. He is a man well worth looking up to. It is of some amusement to me then, that I lean way to the left, and he to the right. But that is not correct if you look at it closer. The Right that he was part of has not existed for a very long time. I was taught that The Constitution of the United States of America was a document worth dieing for. That the words written there were special. Something the world had never seen. He once told me "You were luck to be born in this country. You have opportunities that no one else will have. You have freedoms that are a dream to so many." These words stick with a young boy, looking up at someone who fought in two wars when his country called.
My discontent with the government has been a long standing trait in me. It has been a long time since I have been proud to be an American. I love my country. I always will. But it is good, to again feel pride. I hope this trend continues. I want it to so very badly.
We finally have a Leader. Not just a president, but a man who can truly lead. I have for many years stated that this is exactly what was necessary to effect the changes that are needed. I have hope, for the first time in so many years. I am very glad my Grandpa got to see the election this year. He got the see the energy that has not been apparent since the days of JFK. The American spirit that has been missing for so long.
There is so much wrong that must be put right. Both in the physical world and the ephemeral world of the mind. Collectively the rot of greed has tainted us. As a people we have forgotten that we are all in this together. The goal is not "Cover me and mine and fuck the rest" it is "Do what is best for you and as many others as possible". The modern age has fractured us. Distanced us from who and what we really are. We are all brothers and sisters. We fight and bicker, but the peoples of the USA have never failed to close ranks and raise to the occasion when it was needed. Just as a family should. These next 4 years are going to be very rough on everyone. I ask that everyone please, set aside your differences. Agree to disagree if need be. You do not need to like or approve of what someone else does. But in this country, as long as no one is hurt by it. You should be proud that they can do it anyway. This is one of the things that makes us so great. Let us all remember the words "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness".
I find it almost a cosmic joke that words from a role playing game pop into my mind when I look to the future.
Hope
Sacrifice
Unity
Lets all join together and make this country, and this world. One worth leaving to the generations yet to come. |
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| Watchmen, Then and now. |
[Oct. 21st, 2008|09:04 pm] |
If you do not know how the story ends, Stop reading now, because that is what I am about to touch on.
THEN-
I first read the watchmen when I was a freshman in high school. I love it, just about every part of it. I always knew heroes had to be flawed and human, it does not really work any other way. I thought Rorschach was the best of them. Justice at any cost. He had all the best lines. And then I got to the end of the story.
I was so angry at Rorschach, he had lost, and he was determined to rip it all down. A sort of "F you I'm taking my ball and going home", setup. If you loose, and by loosing the world is going to be made a better place, a Utopia. Who cares if it was biased on a lie? Is tricking the world into becoming a better place bad? Yes I know lots of people died, that is why the "Heroes" tried to stop it. But that Journal, with "The Truth" in it, was there just to destroy. It was not going to make anything better, just add to the suck that existed.
This anger stayed with me most of my life. It just did not seem right to me.
NOW-
I look at it all differently now. I have a better understanding of the world and how it really works. I do not hate Rorschach anymore. I pity him. All that hate, all that rage, and planning and figuring things out. He did not ruin anything. No one will believe that Journal. It will be the talk of crackpots and conspiracy nuts. It will come up again and again, and be refuted over and over again. It may even get published as a book. But only so people can cringe at how broken the man was. What sort of monster hid behind the mask.
Where before, it made me mad.
Now it makes me Laugh.
Thank you Comedian, I get the joke now. |
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| A answer. |
[Oct. 19th, 2008|12:22 pm] |
I was originally going to call this "The Answer.", but that would not be correct. There are to many truths for that to be so.
Do things.
Go out and find the things that make you happy.
Now do those.
Continue to experience new things. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2008|05:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I closed this journal because I was sick of reading myself whine.
But I guess sometimes you need to just get stuff off your chest.
It turns out, here is where I do that.
My journal is ultimately selfish.
I need to vent, so I am going too.
I got yet another rejection notice today.
Did something in me fundamentally change last year?
I interview well, I know this fact.
Well it used to be a fact.
This is now 4 in a row.
And gods did I have to put in the foot work to even get those interviews.
It's like slamming my head into a wall.
Okay, done with whining.
Not like I can pull a "fuck this it is not working".
Which I guess would be my normal way of doing things.
Back to looking. |
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| closing this down... |
[Jan. 24th, 2008|11:37 am] |
I am ending this blog.
I have been thinking about doing it for a long time.
I might start another one. I am not really sure.
If you wish to be added to the new one, or just want to keep in touch.
Let me know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2008|04:11 pm] |
What is wrong with Wizards of the Coast.
Heh, okay John, Jess do not answer that.
I just got done watching the DragonLance animated move.
What a load of crap.
It looked like a POS 80's cartoon.
With shows like Claymore and Bleach out.
You would think that SOME American animators, other than the ones at Nic would get it.
Kudos on the voice talent, But I can tell that is where they spent all your money.
The rest is crap.
And that annoys the hell out of me. |
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| New year.... |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|09:47 pm] |
The new years post, oh joy.
I will make mine simple.
--Get Healthy.
--Get out more.
--Live life. |
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| What a odd few days. |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|10:21 pm] |
It seems, that somewhere along the line, I forgot what my emotional reactions are really like. That is really not to surprising, as I have been trying very hard for the last 6 months to relax, not to stress, not to have strong emotional reactions. It has been important. Vitally so. I have this thing about living, I rather like it.
Catching up with old friends has sort of broken the dam that I kept all my feeling behind. As Darleen and I were talking this weekend, I was almost overwhelmed. For a short time I was back in Middletown. Looking down into her brown eyes. Kissing her ever so soft lips. And with that came the rush. Like a wave it washed over me. All those old feelings. The heady days of being 16 and invincible. Of loving with every bit of my being. Of putting everything I had into everything I did. She inspired me. Drove me to heights I can only gasp in awe at now. How could I have forgotten how much I loved this? How could I have forgotten how good love felt?
I think, sadly, that I abuse myself. Leftovers from a lifetime of self hatred. When things go wrong, I actively deny myself things that will make me happy. Like I do not deserve to be happy. I sabotage relationships. Try to make the rest of the world hate me the way I hated me. What is even worse, is that I do not hate myself anymore. Granted that has not lost its new car smell yet.
I have come so far. It is almost crushing to see how far I have to go.
Believe it or not, all of this is positive. Darleen has yet again made had a great impact on my life. She has reminded me of what I have been missing. How much I truly love to interact with people. How much joy I take out of life. She also reminded me that I am not someone people forget. That I impact peoples lives as well. Okay so I have a small bit of ego about that. Sue me. I thanked Darleen for all she has done. I know she has no idea what I mean, and I dare not explain it, because I know I would fuck it up and she would freak out. She has a bit of a issue with letting people get close to her. What I want from her now is not what I wanted from her then. It touches me someplace deep inside that she hunted me down. That she takes the time to talk. She even started worrying about me right away. Wanting to make sure that I was doing what needed to be done to get healthy.
This brought something else to light. I am not afraid to let people care for me anymore. Silly fear yes, but it has been there for a while. I want people to care for me, and I want to care for them. I like how that feels.
She said something truly brilliant in her journal last night. That it takes maturity and self awareness to separate personality disorders from the healthy personality. And that until that is done. No real changes can be made.
I can see now how dramatically my ADD has affected my life. How it cost my my shot at college. How it cost me my relationship with my father. There is some solace to be found in the fact that I now know it was not something I could control. It still sucks to know I got yelled at for years over a medical condition. And now, all these years later, I have those answer my father used to demand out of me.
I can see how my depression has ruled me. Helped destroy my marriage. I say helped because I am only responsible for half of what went wrong. But depression sure did not help at all.
It only took me 34 years to figure myself out. Again sue me, I'm complicated.
And with all of this going on in my head at the same time. I'm giddy with the thought of what is coming in the future. I can see what is wrong, and now I can work to fix it. There is some fear that all the meds I will end up on will change who I am. I have seen anti ADD meds kill personalities before. Anti depressants kill passion. But I will not let fear rule me anymore. I am getting ready to do things I swore I would never do.
But those oaths were made by a much younger man who did not understand. I will do other things I thought I would never do. Forgive people who I should to forgive. Negative emotions get me nowhere.
New year. New me.
Maybe, just maybe, I can start living my life again. Rather than fighting with all my might, to stay right where I am.
What a odd few days. Even for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2007|06:21 pm] |
In the last day, I have used myspace more than I ever have.
Not that I am going to become a myspace junky or anything.
I got over that sorta thing a long time ago.
But I have managed to catch up with a ex-girlfriend and someone I wish had been a girlfriend.
No not in that hey you wanna hook up sorta way.
Did that once, thank you very much, was not the best idea. But was lots of fun at the time.
But anyway. It answered questions I have had with me for many years.
I always wondered what happened to Darleen. How life had treated her.
How Chyanna had gotten on, Poor girl who fell for me when I was head over heals for someone else.
I even now know that most of the people who made RI special for me are still there.
Now that is a kicker.
I guess I am so used to moving that I think it is the norm.
All in all it has been a great day. |
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| Quote from Sword of Doom and a long overdue introduction |
[Dec. 24th, 2007|05:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
"The sword is the soul. Study the Soul to know the sword. Evil mind, evil sword."
Hey John, if you have not worked this into House of the Blooded yet, you should. Swords being the only weapon and all. It seems to fit thematically. It even feels like something you would say.
To anyone who does not know what I am talking about, check out ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) wickedthought
One of the most brilliant writers I have ever met. And someone I am lucky enough to call a friend.
Think I am laying it on heavy, well, I have not managed to introduce him until now, and he deserves ever good word I write. Watch out, he will make you think.
He is also in a three way tie for the best storyteller/game master that I have ever played with.
Just remember, if he is smiling, you have already lost. |
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| Sometimes it is funny.... |
[Dec. 24th, 2007|03:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
How little it takes to make a bad day good.
I love hearing from people from my past.
So many good memories.
Sometimes when I get in funk I can not see how wonderful my life has been.
and how lucky I really am.
Just always have to remember to take that with me. There is so much more to do. To see, people to meet and know.
Tonight, I am very happy.
I like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|10:11 am] |
No one knows what will make them happy.
They think they do, but really they do not.
Most of the time when someone gets what they thought they wanted.
It is nothing like what they expected.
Expectation make everything worse.
And in the end, we are blinded by them.
I see these patterns over and over again.
And I wish I could make people see what it is they do.
And how blind they are to what is really going on.
But part of this is selfish, because I wish someone would see what is offered.
Rather than the target they are focused on.
Because they will never see.
What might, just might, really make them happy. |
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